You love helping people. It makes you feel good to give to the ones you love; I get it. I believe that Love is rooted in giving. You give your time, efforts, energy, and finances and it makes you feel good to be able to give. Then there are days where you just..can’t. And the mere thought of saying no paralyzes you. Like your friends and family may judge you for saying no. You fear that they might think that you don’t care, or that you’re being selfish. You’re afraid to say no because you’re afraid you may hurt their feelings. Perhaps you’re afraid of saying no because you don’t want to disappoint the people who depend on you. 

I think the art of saying no is learning how to set healthy boundaries. What if I told you that saying NO is healthy? What if I told you that saying NO isn’t selfish? You might be wondering how is it not selfish when I’m thinking about myself and putting myself first. Let me challenge you this notion, ask yourself “How many times have I shown up for them?”

So, how exactly do you say no without making them mad? 

1. Be honest, and be kind in your approach. The thing is, you are not in control of other people’s emotions. You are however, in control of your ability to speak your truth and being kind in doing so.  How other people interpret your truth is on them, not you. 
2. Express gratitude. Thank them for the opportunity and kindly let them know you’re not in the position to show up. Like so, “Thank you so much for thinking of me for this; however, this doesn’t align with my goals.” 
3. Suggest alternatives. Depending on what the ask is, suggest alternatives that you are able to commit to. For example: Thank you for thinking of me, however I don’t have the capacity to do XYZ this week/month, but I may be able to help out (insert a time that works for you)

When you speak your truth, people respect that. People who understand healthy boundaries respect that. You may want to be all the things for the people you love and sometimes it’s not always feasible. If you are unable to authentically show up for yourself, you may find that you don’t have the bandwidth or energy to show up for the people who need you.  So, next time you want to want to say yes out of guilt when you really mean to say no, don’t.  The more you exercise your ability to say no, you’ll find yourself feeling less guilty when you do say no.

So, yes, Saying NO isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.